Over the past 20 years Nouveau has helped people find their kinky journey. Your first year is a bold and wonderful experience full of new exciting feelings and yes some risk. Having helped hundreds of people start their kinky journey, Nouveau has identified several best practices designed to keep you safe and hopefully have a wonderful first year.  We are going to try to avoid the many terms to describe the kink experience but look at the end of the article for some brief descriptions of the terms we use in this article.​

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1. Love Yourself

How you experience kink has everything to do with your basic mental health. If you are the type of person that knows how to speak for themself and when to say no; then you are on your way to a great start. Even though you may not know what type of kinky activity you may enjoy, you must have a clear and strong ability to say yes or no to any activity you pursue. More about consent in a few minutes but even before consent is your ability to love yourself enough to use your agency to speak clearly about your wants, needs, and limits.

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2. Consent

Kink or sometimes called Power Exchange is the journey where you can experience many wonderful sensations. At the core is what the community calls consent. Whether you are a Top, Bottom, or Switch you as an individual must take on the responsibility to provide clear consent for every activity your pursue. Healthy consent requires you to be very specific about what you are willing to do and your limits also. Before you engage in any kinky activity talk with the others involved. Discuss in great detail what you are willing to explore and more specifically what you are not willing to explore.

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Safe words are special terms used to stop a kinky activity. Sometimes in Power Exchange the word "No" or "Stop" may not fit in the context of the activity. Imagine that there is a word or term more explicit than No or Stop. Keep it simple. Your safe word is "Red" or "Yellow." Red means full immediate stop of all activity for the rest of the day. Yellow is a warning indicating that you want to slow down. 

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"Limits" indicate activities that you do not want to include in your kinky journey. The easiest way is to express your limits before each kinky experience by using simple closed end statements. An open ended statement is something like: "I don't like pain but anything else is ok." That is way to broad and open to confusion. Instead express your limits in closed in statements: "I want to do a scene where I am spanked with the flat of your hand for no more than 15 minutes." Be specific.

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As your experience and trust grows how you manage consent but for the first year you should always discuss safe words and closed end limits before each time you play with someone. 

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3. Travel in Packs

If you are traveling solo then it is a really good idea to make friends and let your kinky journey be something you do with other people. Specifically it is best if you make a friend that meets 3 key characteristics: A. a friend where you are not romantically (Sexually) involved, B. a friend that is not involved with you in any type of kink or power exchange. C. a friend that will be active in watching and sharing your journey.

 

Basically,, you are seeking someone to walk with you in your journey that is not emotionally or sexually involved with you. A friend(s) that will go with you to kinky events, check in with you after a date, or just someone to discuss your experiences. This person does not need to be overly experienced in Kink. And Nouveau sees experiences that lead us to believe the best person to journey with is someone new just like you.

 

If you find someone that wants to top or bottom for you that is great. But you need someone to journey with that is neither your top or your bottom. One of the best values Nouveau provides is to connect people to others in their first year too. Meet people and find someone to share in your journey.

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4. The magic 15 minute scene

A scene is an event where you agree to participate in some type of kinky behavior.  Before each scene it is your duty and responsibility to discuss safe words and closed-end limits before each scene. As one of your limits you should include the limitation that the scene will end at 15 minutes. What you need are several really positive experiences that end long before you want them to end. 15 minutes is enough time to experience the sensation of the scene. In your first year you want to experience many 15-minute scenes that end early. Which is much better than a scene that ends one minute too late.

 

You should do only one 15-minute scene in a given day. We want you to experience the anticipation of the scene, the intensity of the scene itself and how your body and spirit responds to the experience the day after the scene is over. Collect and experience at least 6 of these 15-minute scenes before you begin to expand your experiences.

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5. Negotiate each scene

Whether you are a top or a bottom A virtual or online profile is almost meaningless at first. Meet people that have a meaningful real-world connection to the community. I call it “Context.” You want to meet and hang out with people that have paid their dues to the real-world community especially your first year. Your first friend on FetLife should be the wise person you met at a local munch not someone that you met online.

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The community is full of rich event ideas that are somewhat vanilla. Get a friend and go to a munch. (Munch is code for dinner or lunch party in a public restaurant) Hang out with kinky people at a book club, dinner, or naked yoga. Those are somewhat vanilla events where you can start to cross over from vanilla to kink.

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Your number one goal should be to build the greatest network of friends that are active in the real-life community. Ignore unsolicited email and messages. What you need to develop quickly is friends that are active and successful in the real-life community. 

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How to have a Safe First-Real World Meeting?

When you meet for the first time always meet in a public place. Never agree to meet someone at their home, their car, or a park for the first outing. My partner and I never play on the first date. Bring a friend. They can sit at the table with you or across the room. Or if you go alone have a safe call.

A safe call is a pre-arranged call with a friend that knows: who you are meeting, where you are meeting, and when you are going home. During the course of the evening you should call your safe call usually as your date arrives, as you leave, and once you are safely home.

Let the person you are meeting know about your safe calls. I personally love it when someone tells me they are making a safe call. I always offer to talk to their safe call and I offer my real first and last name. Great tops support and love safe calls.

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Never give out your real cell phone number until you know someone well. You would be amazed at how much data is available by a reverse look up of a phone number tied to you name.

 

Set up a Google Voice Account with a new phone number. Only give out the Google number and have Google forward all your voice mail. Note make sure the google account is not associated with your real name.

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Never use your name or a portion of your name in setting up your online accounts.

I know this sounds harsh or paranoid but remember this is not like the vanilla world where you meet someone at work or church. Until there is “context” be very careful. Once you establish that someone is respected in the community you can rest a bit easier.

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Always Practice Safe Sex

Men man up. Women carry one and insist. There is nothing more loving than a woman that hands you a condom. Know the risk of exchanging fluids. It is not very romantic when you think about it that way but think about it just that way.

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Three Year Rule

I recommend that a new top or bottom wait at least three years and have at least one meaningful D/s relationship before getting involved with extreme Power Exchange or “Edge Play.” I know it is your first year and everything seems extreme. But at the outer end of the Power Exchange continuum there are some pretty deep concepts that can be rewarding for some people. Don’t start there. Get a few years under your belt before doing that which is at the edge of free and willing consent. Here are a few of the things you should definitely include in your first few years: 

• Practice strong a strong consent model.  Your yes is yes and your no is no

• Establish and use Safe Words and clear boundaries

• Stay within clear boundaries and avoid "Edge Play" that flirts withs with the definition of boundaries and safe words.  Could be fun but avoid in your first 3 years.

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Surrender can be powerfully intoxicating for a bottom. Start slow and add new kinks as you grow in experience. I have had several long term D/s relationships over the past 20+years. I never ask for their bank accounts. I never restrict them from friends or family. And I always insist that they support themselves financially, so they do not feel trapped in the D/s relationship.

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The Bottom has all the Power

It seems illogical that the one serving should have all the power but it is very true especially in the early years of one's journey. Subs especially write to complain to me that I have it absolutely wrong. As a gentleman raised in the south Power Exchange was a difficult concept for me to understand at first. It wasn't until I realized that submission and surrender is a loan given and never taken; that I could really explore my kink.

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Also keep in mind this article is a list to help chart your first year. More seasoned veterans may surrender their safe words or boundaries. No doubt about it the lines can become blurry as to the nature of the gift when expressed by more advanced play. But for your first three years this simple truth is critical to a great start - Submission is a gift. The Bottom has all the power and they loan that gift to another for a moment, a scene, a month or a lifetime. But it is a loan and it can be taken back at any time.

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Anybody that demands that you surrender your gift or tries to manipulate you into anything that is not comfortable to you should not be explored.  Great tops wait for the gift to be surrendered. Believe me you should wait for a great top. Wait for great.

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Safe Words are our friends

You are playing in a world where some give up control and others take control. Safe words are your super magic way to stop any scene. It may sound weird but screaming or saying no or crying may not be considered signs to stop. (don't panic eventually this will make sense.) Safe words are how a bottom takes back their gift. Use simple words like Red and Yellow.

• Red should mean full immediate stop. Dress. Move to a safe neutral place and talk.

• Yellow means warning. It means you need help.

• If you are going to be gagged agree to hold something in your hand. Releasing the object would be the same as Red and the scene should be stopped.

Make sure anyone you play with knows the safe words and agrees to honor them well before any play starts.

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Boundaries and Hard Limits

There is a Chinese proverb: "Within any boundary there are an infinite number of possibilities." A boundary is a “Hard Limit.” It is something you do NOT want to try.  Know what you are interested in trying and what offends you. Be candid and discuss those boundaries before you play with anyone. It is everyone's responsibility to clearly define and communicate their individual boundaries.

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Some people enjoy “Edge Play.” Edge play is the art of pushing the edges of your boundaries. It can be very rewarding, but I recommend that for your first three years that you stay away from Edge Play and those that want to constantly push your boundaries. Play within your boundaries in the early stages. There will be many kinky fantasies to explore safely within your boundaries.
These are your boundaries not the other person’s desires. They are your hard limits. Know them. Respect them.

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When You Decide to Play – NEGOTIATE the Scene

As the bottom you may have found someone you respect and you just want to surrender. Good for you but in your first year you should still negotiate any scene. What is a negotiation? It is nothing more than a discussion between a top and a bottom about what will happen during a scene or play session. The negotiation is concluded before play starts. And once you start a scene you never renegotiate the terms during the scene.

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When you describe what you want avoid open-ended statements like: “I like anything but fire play.” That is way too broad of a statement. You should say something like: “I want to be spanked on my ass with your bare hand.” That statement is very specific.

Negotiation can be somewhat of a buzz kill. Just remember this is advanced human relationship here. I have seen every nerve in a woman’s body stand on end as she experienced the most powerful orgasm of her life tied to a wall. And I have seen a scene go from great to tragedy in less than 10 seconds.

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Negotiate or talk upfront about your expectations for play. You should discuss and answer any questions you may have before play starts. Here are just a few of the things you should address. Will there be sex involved? If so agree to wear a condom. What are the safe words? Will there be nudity? State the specific range of activities you want to explore. List any and all Hard Limits you have. (If during your first couple of scenes you find someone pushing against your hard limits just call red. You are probably playing with the wrong person.) Define a time limit. For your first scene I recommend 15-30 minutes. Your goal is not to have the most excellent moment in the history of kink. Your goal should be a great safe experience that ends on an up note after 15-30 minutes of play. Better to end a scene wanting more than a scene that creates problems.  Short time specific scenes are a great way to build your kinky vocabulary and confidence.

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What about an Open Relationship or Poly?

Poly starts with the belief that a person can love more than one person and that the sum total of those relationships is better for everyone than monogamy. I moved from poly to monogamy so I may not be the best person to discuss poly.  I do know having been in a poly relationship for over 11 years that it was very hard for me to do poly well. I have enjoyed my time as poly and monogamy.

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Key Terms

Top - in a Power Exchange encounter the Top is the one taking control. Similar terms would be Mommy, Daddy, Sir, Master, or Mistress.

 

Bottom - in a Power Exchange encounter the Bottom is the one relinquishing control. Similar terms would be Baby, Submissive, Sub, or Little.

 

Switch - in a Power Exchange encounter the Switch is a person that is flexible and moves freely between being a Top or a Bottom.

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Scene - an activity that occurs within a specific time period where two or more people engage in Power Exchange type activity.

 

Safe Words - Pre-negotiated before each scene a "Safe Word" is an agreed word that indicates the end of a scene or kinky activity. Typically these words are "Red" which means stop or no, and "Yellow" which is an indication for help or to slow down.

 

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