This article is a collection of best practices based on mistakes I have made and observations over the past 20 years. Each year I update the article to slightly fine tune the list based on last year’s experiences. I share in the hopes that others will not make the same mistakes and hopefully have a great first year.

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My friends and I host a group in Atlanta called Nouveau dedicated to helping people have a great start to their first year. Like me many years ago they come to the community to re-invent themselves or to give flight to the kink that has always been a part of them. Hopefully this is a quick read of the basic mechanics that will be a great start for all whom are seeking a new adventure.

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Love Yourself

All things good in life start with a great self image.  Same with kink! maybe even more so.  Learn and practice the art of being ok just the way you are. Find peace within and then seek adventures. If your soul is empty this community will not be a good place for you. Just be yourself.

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Pay it Forward

Through your journey hopefully you will meet some incredible people and enjoy wonderful experiences. Let the world catch you "Paying It Forward." Even in your first year find ways to give back. Hint: The best way to attract good people is to be good people. Nouveau is my great experiment in paying it forward.  I get back more love than I can ever give away. Volunteer, mentor, or help at a club or munch.

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Pay Yourself First

You will be required to submit or lead others in a very intimate journey. Never let that submission or leadership take you away from your family, your hobbies, your bank account, your career, or your passions. If you loved skydiving before the journey then jump often.

 

Never Defy Gravity

Look for people that pay their taxes; that drive on the right side of the road and generally have a peaceful and productive life. Jokingly I refer to this as people that appreciate the natural order of things like gravity and common sense. Avoid the couch surfers, those that cannot manage their own life, and those that believe they can defy gravity.

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Real World Context is King

A virtual or online profile is almost meaningless at first. Meet people that have a meaningful real-world connection to the community. I call it “Context.” You want to meet and hang out with people that have paid their dues to the real-world community especially your first year. Your first friend on FetLife should be the wise person you met at a local munch not someone that you met online.

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The community is full of rich event ideas that are somewhat vanilla. Get a friend and go to a munch. (Munch is code for dinner or lunch party in a public restaurant) Hang out with kinky people at a book club, dinner, or naked yoga. Those are somewhat vanilla events where you can start to cross over from vanilla to kink.

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Your number one goal should be to build the greatest network of friends that are active in the real-life community. Ignore unsolicited email and messages. What you need to develop quickly is friends that are active and successful in the real-life community. 

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How to have a Safe First-Real World Meeting?

When you meet for the first time always meet in a public place. Never agree to meet someone at their home, their car, or a park for the first outing. My partner and I never play on the first date. Bring a friend. They can sit at the table with you or across the room. Or if you go alone have a safe call.

A safe call is a pre-arranged call with a friend that knows: who you are meeting, where you are meeting, and when you are going home. During the course of the evening you should call your safe call usually as your date arrives, as you leave, and once you are safely home.

Let the person you are meeting know about your safe calls. I personally love it when someone tells me they are making a safe call. I always offer to talk to their safe call and I offer my real first and last name. Great tops support and love safe calls.

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Never give out your real cell phone number until you know someone well. You would be amazed at how much data is available by a reverse look up of a phone number tied to you name.

 

Set up a Google Voice Account with a new phone number. Only give out the Google number and have Google forward all your voice mail. Note make sure the google account is not associated with your real name.

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Never use your name or a portion of your name in setting up your online accounts.

I know this sounds harsh or paranoid but remember this is not like the vanilla world where you meet someone at work or church. Until there is “context” be very careful. Once you establish that someone is respected in the community you can rest a bit easier.

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Always Practice Safe Sex

Men man up. Women carry one and insist. There is nothing more loving than a woman that hands you a condom. Know the risk of exchanging fluids. It is not very romantic when you think about it that way but think about it just that way.

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Three Year Rule

I recommend that a new top or bottom wait at least three years and have at least one meaningful D/s relationship before getting involved with extreme Power Exchange or “Edge Play.” I know it is your first year and everything seems extreme. But at the outer end of the Power Exchange continuum there are some pretty deep concepts that can be rewarding for some people. Don’t start there. Get a few years under your belt before doing that which is at the edge of free and willing consent. Here are a few of the things you should definitely include in your first few years: 

• Practice strong a strong consent model.  Your yes is yes and your no is no

• Establish and use Safe Words and clear boundaries

• Stay within clear boundaries and avoid "Edge Play" that flirts withs with the definition of boundaries and safe words.  Could be fun but avoid in your first 3 years.

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Surrender can be powerfully intoxicating for a bottom. Start slow and add new kinks as you grow in experience. I have had several long term D/s relationships over the past 20+years. I never ask for their bank accounts. I never restrict them from friends or family. And I always insist that they support themselves financially, so they do not feel trapped in the D/s relationship.

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The Bottom has all the Power

It seems illogical that the one serving should have all the power but it is very true especially in the early years of one's journey. Subs especially write to complain to me that I have it absolutely wrong. As a gentleman raised in the south Power Exchange was a difficult concept for me to understand at first. It wasn't until I realized that submission and surrender is a loan given and never taken; that I could really explore my kink.

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Also keep in mind this article is a list to help chart your first year. More seasoned veterans may surrender their safe words or boundaries. No doubt about it the lines can become blurry as to the nature of the gift when expressed by more advanced play. But for your first three years this simple truth is critical to a great start - Submission is a gift. The Bottom has all the power and they loan that gift to another for a moment, a scene, a month or a lifetime. But it is a loan and it can be taken back at any time.

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Anybody that demands that you surrender your gift or tries to manipulate you into anything that is not comfortable to you should not be explored.  Great tops wait for the gift to be surrendered. Believe me you should wait for a great top. Wait for great.

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Safe Words are our friends

You are playing in a world where some give up control and others take control. Safe words are your super magic way to stop any scene. It may sound weird but screaming or saying no or crying may not be considered signs to stop. (don't panic eventually this will make sense.) Safe words are how a bottom takes back their gift. Use simple words like Red and Yellow.

• Red should mean full immediate stop. Dress. Move to a safe neutral place and talk.

• Yellow means warning. It means you need help.

• If you are going to be gagged agree to hold something in your hand. Releasing the object would be the same as Red and the scene should be stopped.

Make sure anyone you play with knows the safe words and agrees to honor them well before any play starts.

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Boundaries and Hard Limits

There is a Chinese proverb: "Within any boundary there are an infinite number of possibilities." A boundary is a “Hard Limit.” It is something you do NOT want to try.  Know what you are interested in trying and what offends you. Be candid and discuss those boundaries before you play with anyone. It is everyone's responsibility to clearly define and communicate their individual boundaries.

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Some people enjoy “Edge Play.” Edge play is the art of pushing the edges of your boundaries. It can be very rewarding, but I recommend that for your first three years that you stay away from Edge Play and those that want to constantly push your boundaries. Play within your boundaries in the early stages. There will be many kinky fantasies to explore safely within your boundaries.
These are your boundaries not the other person’s desires. They are your hard limits. Know them. Respect them.

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When You Decide to Play – NEGOTIATE the Scene

As the bottom you may have found someone you respect and you just want to surrender. Good for you but in your first year you should still negotiate any scene. What is a negotiation? It is nothing more than a discussion between a top and a bottom about what will happen during a scene or play session. The negotiation is concluded before play starts. And once you start a scene you never renegotiate the terms during the scene.

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When you describe what you want avoid open-ended statements like: “I like anything but fire play.” That is way too broad of a statement. You should say something like: “I want to be spanked on my ass with your bare hand.” That statement is very specific.

Negotiation can be somewhat of a buzz kill. Just remember this is advanced human relationship here. I have seen every nerve in a woman’s body stand on end as she experienced the most powerful orgasm of her life tied to a wall. And I have seen a scene go from great to tragedy in less than 10 seconds.

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Negotiate or talk upfront about your expectations for play. You should discuss and answer any questions you may have before play starts. Here are just a few of the things you should address. Will there be sex involved? If so agree to wear a condom. What are the safe words? Will there be nudity? State the specific range of activities you want to explore. List any and all Hard Limits you have. (If during your first couple of scenes you find someone pushing against your hard limits just call red. You are probably playing with the wrong person.) Define a time limit. For your first scene I recommend 15-30 minutes. Your goal is not to have the most excellent moment in the history of kink. Your goal should be a great safe experience that ends on an up note after 15-30 minutes of play. Better to end a scene wanting more than a scene that creates problems.  Short time specific scenes are a great way to build your kinky vocabulary and confidence.

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What about an Open Relationship or Poly?

Poly starts with the belief that a person can love more than one person and that the sum total of those relationships is better for everyone than monogamy. I moved from poly to monogamy so I may not be the best person to discuss poly.  I do know having been in a poly relationship for over 11 years that it was very hard for me to do poly well. I have enjoyed my time as poly and monogamy.

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Don't Gossip

Be nice. Avoid "Group Think" online. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Avoid online drama. 

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I hope this helps. Let me know about your adventures. I have been doing this for over 20 years and I still follow these guidelines in my life. The list has served me well. I really hope you have a wonderful journey.