One of the great pleasures I have had over the years is to meet and watch hundreds of people start their kinky journey.  I am also a student of human behavior.  Why do some people navigate the transition from vanilla to kinky almost effortlessly; while others struggle to stay above water?  Over the years I have noticed four strategies that successful kinksters have employed that seem to be related to their successful journey.  So I share them here in hopes that you will have a rewarding kinky journey as well.

 

The first and most fundamental thing that must be established is your ability to consent.  For some this may be incredibly obvious because it is a good life skill to posses in general. But for many as they start their kinky journey consent can be misunderstood or lost in the frenzy of the kinky journey.

 

Above all else you have the right and the duty to clearly say yes or no to anything along the kinky journey.  This is even more important for the bottom types or those that like to serve others. If you are on the submissive side then it is paramount that you understand that you can and should say no to anything that does not make you comfortable. 

 

So as profoundly as it sounds one of the keys to success is to be able to say yes and no to the various kinky activities you explore.  There are whole books written about Consent  and you should understand Safe Words, Boundaries, and how to discuss or frame a kinky activity that you would like to explore.  So do your homework and develop a strong Consent Model that is right for you.

 

The second key to success is to navigate kink with a friend.  I do nude photography for others in the kink community, and I am never alone with any of the models I work with.  Every model is required to bring a friend to their shoot.  There is safety in numbers.  This is most important in your first year in kink.  Find someone to travel with you.  They don't even need to be experienced kinksters.  I have seen many people pair up like this and they are both in their first year of a kinky journey.  Just their presence with you at a munch or a dungeon or a scene is incredibly valuable. 

 

If you have a life partner that would be an awesome kink partner.  If you don't have a life partner then seek out someone that does not have a sexual, romantic or power dynamic interest in you.  What you are looking for is a neutral friend to walk alongside you and to be with you at the various events and venues along your journey.  It doesn't always have to be the same person either.  Just get into the practice of attending events and venues with other friends.

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Third you need to develop your Kinky persona and vocabulary. The best and quickest way is to negotiate and do time limited scenes in a public venue like a kinky club or dungeon (Never do private scenes with anyone that you do not know and trust).  Your kinky sidekick should be with you along the way.  Your goal is to negotiate and do at least three scenes with someone that are time limited to 15 minutes per scene.

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If is very important that you follow this criteria:

1. Fifteen minutes tops.  Set an alarm and at the end of 15 minutes the scene is done.  Better to leave wanting more than to try to build the perfect marathon experience early in your journey.

2. No sex within the scene. Keep your pink parts covered and discuss and agree no sex or anything close to sex. 

3. Discuss and define a closed scene for example: I want to be spanked with your hand and I do not want any lasting marks after the scene is done.

4. Define Safe Word. Use "Red" as your safe word to end the scene immediately.

5. When the scene is done discuss the experience with the other person in the scene and your kinky sidekick.

6. Give yourself 3-7 days between each 15 minute scene so your soul has time to breath and incorporate these new and exciting feelings.

7. Repeat and do at least 3 scenes like this.

 

There is nothing magic about doing three scenes.  Do 5 or 6 well constrained scenes as described above.  The 15 minute rule is however key to the success of this strategy. A scene goes sideways for two main reasons: consent violation, or a good scene that goes to long.  As you gain experience you can explore many different things but in the beginning you want to do 15 minutes and stop.

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What this does is it allows you to create and better understand your kinky vocabulary. Do you like pain? Are you a top? A bottom? Did you get scared? Is this not for you?  You want several small 15 minute limited scenes with many others in attendance and no sex so that you have the space and time to understand what works best for you.  Then and only then can you start to expand the type of experiences you explore.

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Finally, you need to build a network of reliable kinky friends. As a rule I place an extremely low value on anyone I meet online, and I place a much higher value for anyone that attends in-person kinky events in your area. Kinky dinners, social gatherings with kinksters, and similar events are the best place to build your network. The bad actors tend to lurk online and local communities are pretty good and weeding out bad actors at their local events. Also don't be afraid to ask for a reference.  Seek out the leaders of 2-3 various groups and meet people that are their close friends. Over time you will build a group of close friends.  Again safety in numbers.

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Some red flags to avoid.  If someone does not attend any local events then that is usually a concern for me. If you meet someone you like online invite them to meet you at a well established kinky event like Nouveau.  If they won't meet you at an established event then you should not seek them out at least early in your kinky journey.  Ask other leaders in your community about someone of interest.  If you ask several leaders and no one knows this person then that is likely someone you should avoid especially in your first year.  Any one that tries to separate you from friends, family, or your career should be avoided.  If you meet someone that is interested in controlling your finances: walk no run away.

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There are many kind and loving people in the kinky community. Your goal is to find them.  Unfortunately, there are also bad actors. Safety in numbers build a good network of established kinky friends, go to events with a sidekick, and be very discerning before you spend time alone with anyone and you will have a great first year

 

So there it is!

 

• Know how to say yes and how to say no. 

• Navigate the kinky experience with a sidekick

• Do at least three fifteen minute well constrained scenes

• Build a network of kinky friends that are well established in the community 

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Of the hundreds of people that I have seen navigate their first year in kink, these four themes seem directly related to a successful first year. Yes this is overly simplified. There is so much you need to learn about Power Exchange and Consent. But these strategies give you the guard rails that most often lead to a successful journey.​